Emotion Journal

Someone told me today that I've got to be one of the most emotional person in the world, and the fact that I'm well hidden behind my straight face is a plus; because people can't see or sense how I feel inside. They can only read what I write. That's if I write.

You won't know how you really feel until you start writing how you feel each time you feel something deep inside your heart. Like I didn't know how much I didn't enjoy working on certain projects until I looked back at how many times I ranted about it. Or the time when I missed someone so much but refused to admit it, only to realise that there was more love than hate between those miss calls I've been hatching on their mobile phones. Or reading the many posts I wrote about my life as a film critic two years back reminded me how much I love that job and would give it all to have it back again.

Start an Emotion Journal. Keep track of your feelings because a journal would never lie; and you will be forced to face the true emotions in your heart... for that special someone, for the people you love, for people you know. Stay in tuned with your emotions because they shape the person you are.

Mini Bites of the day: Be bold to face your emotions as they will lead you to the right way.

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Do not overlook the signs...

The office building is divided into two wings: left and right. I never did notice the length of the corridor that link both wings together, always judging it by the fact that there are four lifts to walk across before arriving at the other end. Never appreciating the length of it each time my feet scrambled across the hollow tunnel. Never looking at it as therapeutic... until now. 

I find myself loving that quiet silent walk as I drag my feet from one side of the wing to the other, especially when no one is around. The silence of it, the stillness and calmness - I find myself bathing in it, wishing my life is more of it, wishing I don't have to walk back to my 4x4 cubicle and go home instead. And then a small voice in my head says, "These are the signs. Do not overlook it."

And I knew.

Mini Bites of the day: If you can't hear the little voice inside of you, listen to what your actions are telling you.

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In Silent Prayer

I'm feeling awfully drained and rejuvenated at the same time. Drained that there are so many things in life which are coming my way; rejuvenated because my insides breathe alive at the touch of them.

If this was two years back, I would not feel tiredness beaconing on my door. Blame it on my current state that has allowed myself to be lazy, the mind to work lesser and the brain to think thin. Because now that I want to kickstart and charge into the world again, I feel old and tired; like an old woman trying to make her way across the highway.

Undeniably, doubt does crawl into my mind in the darkest hour of the night asking, "Are you sure you know what you are doing, girl?" Instead of waiting for the answer to arise from deep within, strangely, all I have been doing lately is close my eyes and listen to what God has to say. And so far, I haven't been listening because if I have, He must have spoken the same thing a thousand times.

Mini Bites of the day: Going the other way may not necessary be the wrong way, despite what others tell you.

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Staring Game with Red and Fade

There's a saying that claims our pets know us best. And it is probably true. Because the two little fighting fish (Red & Fade) have been stoning in their pool, just like how I have been stoning at work staring at the big giant screen of my iMac for the past one week. Sometimes, they don't even move or lift a fin and I find myself getting all panicky inside thinking they have frozen to death. Not like it is very freezing cold in the office, but still... why aren't their fins swaying in the water? Are fishes supposed to be moving all the time in their little tanks?

The two pairs of eyes staring at me behind the pool of water is somewhat comforting and concerning. Comforting in the sense that I don't feel alone when they are all stoney like me; concerning in the sense that I am not sure if they are sick or healthy. Just the other day, to comfort myself, I placed both of them in the same tank. Fighting fish are supposed to fight, right? But nope, they didn't budge an inch. All they did was positioned themselves at either side of the tank and stared at me. It's like they are playing a staring game with me. And I don't mind them at all. It's good distraction.

The entire office is out for lunch now; the one and only hour I am at peace behind my desk. My heart can stop beating hard and fast, and my lungs start to suck in the air more smoothly when my colleagues are not around. I love it when they are not around; I can be more of me and not more of someone else whom they have perceived me to be. I can kick back my shoes, lean back on my chair and let creative takes place in the artworks which I am doodling with, or turn on the music louder and open more windows because the one sitting next to me is no longer staring at my screen. I feel at home without their presence.

Skipping lunch again today. It's becoming a habit. The things people would do to enjoy an hour of peace in this hectic crazy working life; skipping meals and letting the stomach growl at 4pm. What have they turn me into? What have I allowed them to turn me into? I should take charge and be myself again. And if they hate who I am, then it's their problem. Not mine. I just want to embrace myself again in this crazy political working environment.

Mini Bites of the day: There is always a way out, you just have to be bold enough to step through.

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Looking forward to the weekend

Thank God it's Friday. I don't know how steadfast my feet can continue to be if it wasn't for Friday. The blow of screaming and shouting over cubicles, arguing over tiny issues that didn't matter at all, and looking at black sour faces all day long is taking a toll out of me. I feel extremely tired being in this internal politic game throughout the entire week. So tired that at times, I really feel like throwing the towel and crawling under my blanket for a good rest (especially when rest is drawing thin each day and my body is aching for sleep). Can't wait for the weekend to come. How about you guys?

Mini Bites of the day: The things that cannot break you will make you even stronger so that you can break them.

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Drowning in Emotional Pool

I've never felt this way for some time; My heart bursting with so many emotions, dissecting each feeling into individual pocket is almost impossible. It's what I call: Drowning in the emotional pool. If I were on a writing spree at home, it would be perfect. But I am at work. I don't get to write my emotions down to empty myself. I don't get to talk with people online to unleash myself. I don't get to do anything, but listen to music which makes me get even more emotional than before.

Can't wait for lunch hour to come. I need to get out and empty my heart. Perhaps the nearest arcade at The Mall could do the trick. If you want to keep me company, see me there at 12.30pm.

Mini Bites of the day: Your heart is more fragile than the dew at the edge of the grass on a Monday morning.

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New Found Strength

It has been a busy day. I was half convinced that God has planned this busyness for me today because it was going to be an emotional day. One of my teammates have resigned and this is her last day. With heavy heart we see her leave, but I was strangely delighted of her departure because I know it's the best for her. For that, I am glad. And the busyness kept me from exploring how I would truly feel about her departure.

She sat down next to me at the last few minutes we had together, sighed out loud and asked, "What's next? What should be done?" and I stared at her surprisingly. She should be happy that this is the last day of her work. There is a brighter future ahead for her as she stepped into something new. But here she  was, sighing out loud while I kept that silly smile plastered on my face.

"What do you mean what's next? Don't worry about everyone else here. We'll get used to having ourselves now. You should just enjoy..." 

She cut in before I could finish my sentences, "Silly, I am asking what are you going to do now?"

I'm going to go home and sleep. Duh! Of course, I didn't say that. It touched me that at this final moment, all she could think of is how will I cope from today onwards? Do I look that weak? I haven't gotten the chance to tell her about the invincible strength I suddenly found throughout this week; a strength that would pull me through the challenges ahead (I hope). 

And I am utterly convinced that it's a kind of strength that will spell SERIOUSNESS to the people I work with. I just have this heavy words blinking in my life that says 'If you step on my toes, I am going to storm you flat'. It's a dangerous strength from deep within. But it just might be the kind of strength I need to pull me through the rest of the phrase of life which I am currently at. With this new found strength, worry not, my friend. I'll knock them flat on your behalf!

Mini Bites of the day: A pinch of faith is all you need to garner the strength to pull you through yet another rocking situation in your life.

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